Thursday, February 12, 2015

Chasing the Dragon Down the Yellow Brick Road

Chasing the Dragon. 
A term I over use and over think and over indulge in. Always chasing that next high.

I have been sober from the Running High since October, 2014. This is nothing to celebrate. That was the last time running made me sweat. Since then, I do a mile at a time at most,the slowest miles of my life, and am doing what I can to get back to it.

I used to say that if I ever lost a leg, it would be the biggest threat to my sobriety since I could no longer run. Now that my fear of not running has come true, I have found out that I am no more likely to get high or drunk if I can't run than if I can. The statement was more for hyperbole about how wonderful running has been in my sobriety. But now I need to look elsewhere.  There is plenty to be had and I have more than most and perhaps more than I deserve, but God Damn I am still in a unique kind of sick and a terrible sort of suffering. In fact, I did take myself out of the RunWell cause that seemed such a perfect fit.

I am one resilient SOB. I will follow any trail or make my own and if I get knocked down nine times I'll get up nine times.  Then again, perhaps I should not be searching and chasing so hard. Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man, that he didn't already have. I am hoping that chasing the dragon is quite similar, that as I seek out the mythical beast, I realize it was inside me all along. I shall find a way to breathe fire.
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LBTEPA said...

Sometimes 'locked out of heaven' is my theme song, but sometimes it isn't. Things change. Hope comes back.
Yes, you WILL find a way to breathe fire again. You will find a way to hope again. Stay well.

Ty @tyruns.blogspot said...

True story: I'm starting to like swimming (with the masters group) more than running... even tho my running is completely unimpaired.

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